If you are the walk away spouse you can be uncommunicative, cold and distant, you spend large amounts of time away from home, you are irritable and impatient and the divorce just isn’t moving fast enough for you. You are the one calling me every other day to ask me for a status update on your case.

On the other hand the left behind spouse is in shock, is looking for ways to save the marriage, becomes clingy, often begging and pleading for another chance, exhibits bizarre behavior such as stalking and harassing, feels anxious about the future, and tries absolutely everything to delay the divorce process. The divorce is going way too fast for them. You are the one who calls me crying, whining, begging and pleading to do everything I can to slow things down.

Generally the left behind spouse is the one causing the most trouble because they will do anything to get the marriage back, are in a lot of emotional pain and they can be angry for not seeing the warning signs that divorce was imminent. This is the party that refuses to move out of the marital home, won’t let the other party see the kids, and generally does everything possible to disrupt the divorce from moving forward. It is important to understand that the walk away spouse isn’t a bad person. The walk away spouse has just already divorced himself or herself from the marriage. They are not in as much pain as the left behind spouse. Why is all of this important? If you understand the roles that each of you plays in divorcing then you also have the ability to view the divorce from your spouse’s shoes. The left behind spouse needs to focus on getting control of his/her emotions and the walk away spouse needs to focus on being compassionate about the fact that the left behind party is still processing his/her emotions about the divorce. When in doubt get a good lawyer and talk it out.

You can reach us at www.columbiamolawfirm.com or 573-256-7205.

1. Maintains complete control of bank accounts including online access to same and/or maintains separate accounts to which you have no access. If you’re reading this and don’t have access you need to take action so that you have full access to all bank accounts. If you get access you then need to start paying attention to the family finances. What is his money is also your money and vice versa regardless of who earned it.

2. Obtains a P.O. Box and/or maintains sole control over the mail so that you never what is in the mail on any given day until after your spouse has retrieved the mail. This one is way too common. Usually it has to do with hiding credit card debt from a spouse.

3. Deletes large amounts of data from the home computer; i.e. all of a sudden the Quicken or Quickbooks program for the family or small business is gone.

4. Claims that the home computer which contained a lot of financial information has “crashed” and the hard drive is now missing; If the computer crashed you should still have the hard drive and then be able to retrieve this information.

5. Demands your signature on legal documents immediately without allowing you to have an opportunity to review and ask questions. I have seen this on refinancing of loans, tax returns, and deeds. Keep in mind that if you signed the joint tax return and then want to claim that your spouse hid assets from you or that what was reported on the return is incorrect you have a problem with the IRS. Read before you sign.

6. Proposes that you both execute mutual durable powers of attorney for finances for “estate planning” purposes; This is something that should be immediately revoked upon retaining your divorce attorney. Furthermore, if you don’t trust your spouse don’t give them a financial power of attorney for any reason.

7. Goes out of town for day(s) and/or hours when you don’t know where he/she is and when he/she will return and doesn’t return your calls while gone; This should be an obvious red light that your spouse is hiding something from you. It could be an affair, it could be related to money or it could be related to a secret lifestyle your spouse doesn’t want you to know about.

8. Claims that his/her business is failing now or that the bonus he/she receives every year is no longer going to occur now that you have announced you intend to divorce; This should be suspicious and in divorce court we look at the last three years; not only the year that you divorce.

9. Suffers an income decrease without a corresponding reduction in expenses; If the business is failing most business owners try to reduce expenses before calling it quits. If yours is still spending money that’s a problem.

10. Binges on unusual purchases of flashy items such as a car, house, vacations, and jewelry; This is extremely common and I assume the purpose is to get rid of cash so that the spouse can’t have any but to me it seems like an obvious sign of trouble.

11. Reports a dramatic decrease in value of marital and/or business investments.

12. Has multiple cell phone numbers; Again, it’s either an affair, criminal activity, or financial misdeeds.

13. Exhibits childish greed and claims of entitlement; In divorce land it doesn’t matter how it’s titled if you got married and it was acquired during the marriage you are entitled to half.

14. Makes unusual purchases of toys or art that could be sold later.

15. Starts drawing on large amounts of debt; i.e. the home equity line of credit or a construction loan.

16. Is involved in drug abuse.

17. Gambles more frequently.

18. Opens multiple business or personal bank accounts without obvious reasons for having that many.

19. Has receipts for unexplained furniture, trips, and meals; This should be an obvious red flag. You are not and I repeat not being nosy by tracking down the receipt and figuring out where and why your spouse purchased unexplained furniture, went on the trip to Bermuda last month, and why he/she ate at a certain expensive restaurant.

I have to agree with Mr. Landers frequent piece of advice to divorcing women—think financially, not emotionally and get a good divorce lawyer. Check out our website at www.columbiamolawfirm.com.

In theory, bird nesting allows more consistency and stability for the children. However, Courts will rarely, if ever, order a bird nest custody arrangement. In most divorce situations, a bird nest arrangement is difficult in practice. There remains many potential sources of conflict due to disputes over maintaining the home, respecting the other parent’s privacy, and whether to allow other friends or significant others to visit or stay at the home during each parent’s custodial time. Additionally, a bird nest custody situation can be extremely expensive, since it requires the parties to maintain several residences.

Situations where a bird nest custody arrangement may be appropriate are those with the following characteristics:
1. Ample financial resources to upkeep several residences;
2. An amicable relationship between the former spouses; and
3. An even custody arrangement, with both parents having substantially equal time with the children.

If bird nesting is not appropriate for your situation, it is important to keep in mind that the research community has found that the level of conflict between the parents is the most critical factor in determining children’s ability to adjust after a divorce. So, if a bird nest custody arrangement will cause more conflict between the spouses, it is not going to benefit the children despite its ability to allow a stable physical home.

Likewise, even with a traditional visitation schedule, when parents are able to keep conflict low, their children are less likely to suffer any negative psychological effects.

You can find us at www.columbiamolawfirm.com

Where are mistakes made? The most common mistake is an agreement made between spouses to divide up a retirement plan that cannot legally be divided. This occurs because your divorce lawyer has not looked into the terms of your specific retirement plan enough to realize that some retirement plans cannot be divided. In other words many state and local government retirement plans will not ever pay retirement benefits to someone other than their employee regardless of any court order that is entered. Likewise, some insurance companies offer termination benefits in lieu of retirement. Termination benefits also cannot be divided by a QDRO. Other common mistakes include the lawyer not following up after the divorce to make sure that the retirement plan has been divided, not including cost of living adjustments to the alternate payee spouse in the QDRO, and using numbers instead of percentages for what the payee spouse is entitled to receive in the QDRO. Using numbers instead of percentages can result in a big gain or a big loss to the payee spouse which then results in an unequal property division which usually isn’t what the parties intended.

It is impossible for a divorce lawyer to know and be aware of how each and every different type of retirement benefit can be divided. This is where you come into play. What should you do? Ask your divorce lawyer at the first appointment about their experience in dividing up retirement accounts. Make sure your lawyer has experience or is willing to call in another attorney to handle this aspect of your case. Make sure you get all information related to dividing up your retirement plan to your attorney early in the process. Call your benefits person and talk to them about division of your retirement account. Learn as much as you can on your own. If you are the payee spouse demand that your attorney get this information through formal discovery from your spouse’s attorney. Start working on division of the retirement account early. Oftentimes it takes months to work out the division of the retirement account with the plan administrator. Seek early approval of the QDRO long before your divorce is final so that if there are problems they can be dealt with before you are divorced.

Finally, get a good divorce lawyer by checking out our website at www.columbiamolawfirm.com.

However, be aware that if there is a prior custody order then, legally, the court is without jurisdiction to enter a child protection order against the other parent. A prior custody order may be a custody order entered in a prior divorce, paternity, or custody modification action. Also keep in mind that if there is a divorce, paternity, or other custody action pending that the court has discretion to not enter a Child Order of Protection and/or to refer the matter to the judge hearing the pending action for a decision.

Once a Child Order of Protection is filed the Court appoints a Guardian ad Litem to do an investigation and make a recommendation regarding whether or not a full Child Order of Protection should be entered. A hearing is set on whether to enter a full order of protection. If the person who filed the Child Order of Protection can prove the allegations of abuse of a child by a preponderance of the evidence then the court may issue a full order of protection for at least 180 days and not more than one year. If a full order is entered, the person who is found to have abused the child must stay away from the child, not threaten or disturb the peace of the child and not have any contact with the child. If you are considering filing a Child Order of Protection you should contact an experienced family law attorney regarding your options.

Our website is www.columbiamolawfirm.com and we can be reached at 573-256-7205.

The Defense of Marriage Act, passed under Federal law in 1996, provides that states do not have to recognize marriages issued in other states. Missouri further passed an amendment to the Missouri Constitution prohibiting the recognition of same-sex marriage for any purpose by a wide margin in 2004. Missouri doesn’t recognize same-sex marriages, and without a marriage, there can be no divorce. Many states take the same view. With no application of divorce laws, the parties can receive none of the protections available to their divorcing counterparts, such as equitable division of assets or maintenance.

Most states have a residency requirement stating the minimum amount of time you must have resided in the state to be granted a divorce in that state. This means that once a married same-sex couple moves away from the state in which they were married, they can no longer get divorced there. Unless they move to another state that recognizes their marriage, they may not be able to get divorced anywhere. Further jurisdictional issues abound if just one spouse moves to a new state that recognizes the marriage. Without application of domestic relations laws, they are largely on their own and without any guidance from a court in determining custody arrangements for any children they may have and must rely on legal remedies ill-suited to family law situations to deal with division of shared homes, cars, bank accounts, and other assets, as well as debts. Even more complex legal issues may arise when one of the parties dies and leaves behind a partner or even an ex-partner who will be recognized as a spouse in some jurisdictions but not others. It remains to be seen how various courts and legislatures will deal with the myriad of legal issues presented by the “patchy” recognition of same-sex marriages.

Check out our website at www.columbiamolawfirm.com.

It is illegal to move a child that you are adopting across state lines without meeting the requirements of the ICPC. The child may not be taken from one state to another until the ICPC offices in both the sending state and the receiving state give approval for the placement of the child.

First, the sending state where the child is born or currently lives, must send an Interstate Compact Placement Request (ICPC 100A) to the receiving state. Along with the ICPC 100A, extensive documentation is required including the adopting parents’ home study, the child’s birth information, the child’s health information, information about the birth parents, and information on the status of the birth parents’ parental rights. The ICPC office in the sending state will review the information and make determination to approve or deny the placement.

The approximate processing time for the ICPC 100A is seven days. However, the timeline may vary depending on the completeness of the application and the procedures of each state. It is not unheard of for adopting parents to live in a hotel for several weeks with a new infant pending ICPC approval before they can return to their home state with the baby. Because of the complicated procedures involved in an interstate adoption, it is important to have a knowledgeable adoption attorney involved to assist you in meeting all necessary requirements of the ICPC.

If you are considering an interstate adoption, contact Knight & Salladay to see how we can help.

1.   Financial problems. Too much, not enough, or disagreements about what to spend money on. This isn’t a big shocker yet it does continue to surprise me that there’s so much information out there on divorce but very little on premarital counseling or premarital agreements. By the time you come in to see me it is usually too late.

2.   Communication problems. “He doesn’t talk” is usually the most common complaint but I often wonder if men and women really do speak different languages and that’s why we can’t understand each other, let alone communicate what we’re thinking to one another.

3.   Family problems. His/her parents, his/her stepchildren, siblings, and the like. You name it and it’s there. It seems like the most common reason for a second marriage to end in divorce is stepchildren. Having an extended family member living with you is a close second.

4.   Sex problems. Too much, not enough, sex with the wrong person, sex with the same sex, or sex with the family dog all have popped in divorce cases over the years. Watch out. Not enough sex is particularly a big deal for men so pay attention.

5.   Friend problems. I don’t hear this one a lot but generally those coming in to finally get divorced don’t have the same friends anymore, so I suppose this could have precipitated the divorce in the first place.

6.   Addiction problems. Alcohol, drugs, porn, food. I have seen it all and it does seem to take down many marriages like a one two punch in a heavy weight boxing match.

7.   Abuse problems. Verbal, physical, emotional, sexual. Very common problem that isn’t talked about nearly enough for how frequently it comes up.

8.   Personality problems. I think this is code for mental illness because depression, anxiety disorder, bi-polar, narcissistic and various other personality disorders on the DSM-IV pop up on a fairly frequent basis in my divorce cases. Little did I know how useful that psychology degree would be.

9.   Expectation problems. She married him because she wanted to change him. He married her because he never wanted her to change. She did change. He didn’t. Now they are both unhappy.

10.   Time problems. She never spends any time with me because she’s too busy with the kids. He works all the time. Or the opposite thing is said…why doesn’t he get a life and quit sitting on the couch all the time. I need some time to myself.

Whatever your reason for getting divorced get a good divorce lawyer. Check out our website at www.columbiamolawfirm.com

1. Gather all of your important papers and make copies, putting the originals back where you found them. Have these papers in a safe location outside of the home so that if you leave on a moment’s notice you already have copies of important papers. (birth certificates, driver’s license, social security cards, passports, marriage license, divorce decrees, powers of attorney, wills, keys to safe deposit boxes, any and all financial information, etc.)

2. Make a Plan for you and your family. Decide where you can stay and if you have children, where they can stay and for how long. This might be a relative, friend, or the shelter closest to you. If you aren’t sure where the shelter is closest to you, find out so you will know on a moment’s notice. Make a plan for where you will stay and if you have to flee, how you and your children would get there if you become separated from each other. Your children should be aware of this plan and you should have a codeword for them in case you don’t want them to come home but instead want them to go to the safe place you have decided to stay if you have to leave.

3. Stash cash and get a Go Phone. Save up some cash for essential items and get a prepaid phone so you can safely make calls without being tracked. Stash cash in multiple places outside the home so that you can access it if you have to flee and so that if your abuser finds one “stash” of cash he can’t find any of the others. A separate bank account is also a good idea. You can open a bank account in your own name without your abuser’s permission, authorization, or signature.

4. Plan on making a report. If you are abused, plan on making a police report as so on as it happens. If you don’t you need to understand that your abuser will say it never happened because you didn’t report it. Likewise, if you are physically injured know that if you don’t go to the doctor or emergency room after it happens, your abuser will say it didn’t happen. Also, plan on telling the truth. If you downplay or don’t tell the truth about the abuse this will come back against you at a later date and will cause more harm than good. Your shame about what happened to you may cause you to lose custody of your children so tell the truth even if it’s ugly, painful, and embarrassing.

5. Don’t look back. When you leave, don’t look back. It takes a lot of courage to finally leave and should you decide to leave, know that you most likely will have difficulty getting back into the house without being subjected to more abuse, injury, or even death. This means moving anything valuable out of the house before you finally leave and without your abuser knowing it. Assume that once you leave everything you left in the house is gone. Take anything of value out of the house well in advance or know that it is gone.

Finally, know that you are not alone, that there are other women in similar situations. It takes courage, faith, and strength to leave. It isn’t your fault. Arm yourself with a good lawyer, march forward, and don’t look back.

For a good family law attorney check out our website at www.columbiamolawfirm.com.