Missouri Family Law Blog

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As a divorce lawyer we can’t tell you everything to do or not do while going through a divorce but we can share some of the mistakes we have seen other parents make while going through the process. Here is my list of things I hate to hear that parents have said or done to their children while going through a divorce:
1. You to your child—Your mother did this to us! If it weren’t for your cheating father we would still be a happy family. Way to go divorced parent. You just put your kid in the middle of your problem—not theirs.
2. When your child asks you for the registration fee for soccer, for their allowance, or for money to go roller skating with friends you say ask your Father. This also goes hand in hand with the newly divorced parents that we see who every weekend that they have their child they take them to the mall, out to eat, and invariably spend lots of money on the child doing something expensive that the other parent can never compete with.
3. Why don’t you just go live with your mother! You are just like your mother-hard headed and stubborn. Do I really need to explain why this is damaging to your child?
4. Don’t tell Mom or Dad that Ginger/Dan (new boyfriend/girlfriend) were with us this weekend. Don’t tell Mom or Dad where we went or what we did. It’s none of his/her business. Guess what. It is his/her business because that person is also this child’s parent. Encouraging your child to lie is not an example that any parent should strive to set for their child. Plus, in talking with the children who have been encouraged to keep secrets all this does is create more stress and unneeded fear and anxiety for them.
5. Failing to follow through on attending extracurricular activities that you promised your child you would attend and failing to be on time for exchanges. Perhaps you think this is the way to get back at the other parent. In reality you are only teaching your child not to trust you to show up when you say you will and you are also setting an example for them that it is okay to not do what you say you will do.
6. Your mother is so screwed up. She’s sick you know. She’s crazy. I don’t know how you can stand to live with her. Every child is made up of both mom and dad parts. When you criticize mom you criticize one-half of your child. Even if mom is crazy this only tends to make your child feel insecure about herself.
7. Telling Dad he can’t see the kids until he gives you the monthly child support check or pays a certain bill or telling your child he can’t go to Dad’s because he hasn’t finished cleaning his room. Seeing a parent is not related to paying bills or doing chores. Get over yourself on this one because the judge will hate you if he finds out you did this.
8. Give this bill to your father and tell him he better send a check back when he drops you off or asking your child to give certain bills to the other parent when you know the other parent’s reaction to this isn’t going to be good. Again, way to put your kid in the middle of your divorce and cause them additional, unnecessary stress.
9. Grilling, interrogating or encouraging your child to spy on the other parent solely so that you can get information that you think might help your divorce case. Kids just want to have fun. Don’t turn your kid into a spy because the next thing you know your kid will be spying on you and you’ll regret you ever thought about suggesting this.
10. Telling your child that someday you might get back together with your ex. Keep your delusional thoughts to yourself. Your child doesn’t want nor deserve to be put in the middle.

There is a national trend going through the states right now to change current alimony laws. In Missouri we call it maintenance. These proposals, some of which have already been adopted significantly scale back a judge’s ability to award maintenance. These proposals also limit what a judge can do in each individual case. While many a lawyer has complained about the lack of direction in the current Missouri law these changes if adopted will have a significant impact, primarily on women. There are horror stories such as the case of Michael Morgan in Lehigh Acres, Florida. What we don’t know are the individual facts of that case not being reported in the media that the judge took into consideration. We also don’t know the judge or his/her philosophy in hearing that particular case. It is easy for the media or a group opposed to alimony at all to sensationalize such individual cases but much harder for them to look at the thousands of people every year that are not on welfare or living on the street because they were awarded maintenance in Missouri courts. These changes if adopted fail to recognize that every family is unique and often has different needs in the event of a divorce.
Judges and lawyers should have discretion to both craft settlement agreements and make orders that meet the needs of each individual family. The needs of every client cannot be legislated in a way that will protect and serve each person going through a divorce. There is already a presumption in the law that the person who is awarded maintenance has a duty to become self-supporting. Cohabitation language is routinely included in well drafted settlements when one spouse agrees to pay the other maintenance. Judges rarely, if ever award maintenance in situations where it is unwarranted. They already understand the consequences of ordering one party to support the other post-divorce. Perhaps more guidelines yes. Reform, no.

Unfortunately, there is no magic formula that works for all divorced parents, but Julie Ross and Judy Corcoran believe taking a business-style approaching to your communication can help in their book, Joint Custody with a Jerk. The book suggests, “Consider your children your most valuable assets and your ex a client with whom you must work in order to keep those assets intact.”

Although some of the specific tactics may not be appropriate for your situation, we always encourage our clients to make sure your love for your children comes before your hatred for your former spouse or partner. If your custody situation  in Columbia, Missouri has become unworkable, be sure to contact a divorce attorney at Knight and Salladay to discuss your options for creating the best possible custody arrangement for your children.

A DUI is never a good time. But when it comes in the middle of a custody battle, it can be devastating to your divorce case.  So devastating, that a private investigator in California is now the subject of a state and federal investigation regarding a string of “dirty DUIs” that he set up to assist women with their custody cases. The L.A. Times ran a story about these “dirty DUIs” masterminded by a private investigator working for divorce attorneys. The private investigator paid former showgirls to convince their unfortunate subjects to go out drinking and then invite them to follow them to another location in separate vehicles. Once the man left, a drunk driver was reported matching his description.

These tactics led to at least five men being arrested for DUIs during the course of their custody cases. Due to the conviction, one man had his visitation restricted to only supervised visits. At least two of the men are now seeking to overturn their court orders, based upon the discovery that the DUIs were set up. It is unclear whether this will sway the court to reconsider its prior orders.  However, it is clear that parties in a custody case should be wary of using such tactics to gain an advantage. The real losers in these cases are the children who have to reconcile a father with a criminal conviction and a mother with questionable divorce tactics.

For questions about child custody, contact an attorney at Knight & Salladay.

It’s that time of year again and many clients often fail to consider how their marital status affects their taxes. Here are some bullet points to consider with respect to how your divorce affects your tax status:
1. Filing status for tax purposes is determined on the last day of the year–December 31. During your divorce proceeding even if you are living in separate households but not legally divorced as of December 31 you are still considered married for that tax year. Hint: either get divorced by the end of the year or plan on filing jointly for the prior tax year even if you are no longer residing together on December 31 because married filing jointly generally produces the lowest tax burden. Don’t file together if you think your spouse has underreported their income for the year because the IRS can assess underpayment penalties and interest in addition to the tax owed for underreporting.
2. When children are part of a divorce there are the following tax issues related to them that need to be considered: dependency exemptions, child care credits, child tax credits, medical deductions for children, and education tax credits-hope and lifetime learning credits. Talk to your tax preparer so you know what to negotiate for in your divorce settlement.
3. Generally cash payments received as part of a divorce are not taxable under IRS Code 1041. However, the tax basis of the asset being received is important. If you receive an asset with a low cost basis (ex. stock) but intend to sell it at a much higher market value post divorce there will be tax consequences. Again, talk to your tax preparer so you know what to negotiate for as part of your divorce settlement.
4. Consider the taxes associated with selling the marital home if you receive it. You may be paying a capital gain. Again, before you talk to your divorce lawyer give your tax preparer a call and find out exactly what the tax consequences could be of any potential divorce settlement. Then, you’ll know what to tell your divorce lawyer about what you want to negotiate for.
5. Maintenance. The spouse who receives maintenance has taxable income to report at the end of the year for any maintenance received. The spouse who paid receives a deduction for what was paid. Child support is not a taxable event. It makes a very big difference how any support paid is worded with respect to whether you paid your spouse child support or maintenance after you were kicked out of the house. Make sure you discuss this with your divorce lawyer.
6. Carryover losses on prior year’s tax returns are an asset to be divided by the court and should be considered in divorce settlements. Look at your prior year’s tax returns and see what carryover losses or gains are available that you can negotiate to claim as part of your divorce settlement.
7. Your divorce settlement should consider who will claim mortgage interest, real estate and property tax, capital gains and losses, and charitable contributions in the year the divorce is finalized so each party knows what they can claim on their taxes for that year.
These are just some tax consequences to consider as part of your divorce. In order to obtain more information make sure you speak with a qualified tax professional and a good divorce lawyer (www.columbiamolawfirm.com) who is aware of these factors to be considered in any divorce settlement.

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Some insights from the experts about what children really think about their parents  inability to get along and a lawyer’s comments regarding the same:

1.  “I’m so ashamed. I’m humiliated. Other kids’ families aren’t like this.” Children believe they are responsible for all of the major occurrences in their lives–including parental fighting.  Edward Teyber, Helping Children Cope with Divorce. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1992, p. 82.

Divorcing parents tend to forget that most children believe the world revolves around them. When their parents fight they believe that regardless of the topic it has something to do with them and that it is their fault.

2. “This is MY mom and dad. I must have the faults they see in each other.” Parental conflict not only sends kids messages about love, marriage, and relationships, it speaks volumes to them about who they are. To a child’s ears, any comment about his parent–positive or negative–is a judgment of him. Any critical barb about your ex goes right to your child’s heart. M. Gary Neuman, Helping your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way. New York: Random House, 1998, p. 202.

Working with children of divorcing and divorced families you find out that the comments one spouse makes about another are often interpreted by the child as comments about them. For example, my dad must hate my blonde hair because he refers to my mom as a “dumb blonde.”

3.  “I need to figure out who’s right and pick sides.” Children experiencing intense conflict have to take sides because they can’t manage to internal tension and anxiety they feel. Philip M. Stahl, Parenting After Divorce: A Guide to Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children’s Needs. Atascadero, California: Impact Publishers, Inc., 2000, p. 20.

Even children who deeply love both parents often feel compelled to choose sides because divorced parents place their children in the middle. The more contested the custody case the more often you find children willing to take sides because of the level of animosity between the parents.

4. “I need to tell people what they want to hear”  In the battle between you, they learn to be polished diplomats. They’ll tell each of you what you want most to hear–not because they’re liars but because they want desparately to soothe each of you, to calm you down, to reduce their fears that you’ll become enraged. They’re afraid of your anger, they pity you, and they want you to feel better. Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee, What About the Kids? New York: Hyperio, 2003, p. 204.

 I can’t tell you how many times I have been to court and was told by the other parent’s attorney that the child was going to testify a certain way only to hear the child say to the judge, “I love my mom. I love my dad. I just wish they would get along. I want to spend as much time with both of them as possible.”

5. “I’m scared. I don’t know what will happen next.” In a home marked by conflict and unpredictability, children do not have a deep and abiding trust in their caretakers. Elizabeth M. Ellis, Divorce Wars: Intervention with Families in Conflict. Baltimore: Port City Press, 2000, p. 49.

Parents forget that divorce is not only unpredictable for them it is unpredictable and scary for their children. Whatever amount of fear parents are feeling about their soon to be financial situation and custody arrangement the children are even more afraid. Often divorced parents forget to reassure their children that at the end of the day they will get to spend time with both parents and that both parents love them.

For more information regarding custody topics that might be helpful to your custody case visit our website at www.columbiamolawfirm.com.

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